Here's Hoping!

There are lots of things in my life that are "up in the air" right now.  I don't like to be unsure of things.  But I refuse to give up hope!  (Did you hear yourself, Sarah?  You refuse to give up hope.  Remember that.)  Here are some examples:

1.  We'll start with the easy one.  Nathaniel and I planted a peach pit in the yard today.  When he asked why we can't grow peaches, I thought at first that they needed a warm climate.  But then I remembered that Michigan grows them, not just Georgia.  So we're giving it a shot.  I have no idea when to expect anything to come up, so chances are pretty good that winter will come, we'll stop looking for it after the snow hits, and then forget about it for a few years.  But you never know.

2.  The kids.  Nathaniel's still having a rough time dealing with his mom disappearing, having accidents and the like.  We started therapy last week, so Matt and I will be getting some strategies to help him out, since right now he needs more help than we know how to give him.  We'll see what happens.

3.  Matt's still looking for a job.  It's looking somewhat promising.  He interviewed for a position as an activities director at a local assisted living facility.  He did activities at a different facility before he became a CNA, so they gave him a call.  Yay!  We hope to hear from them soon.

4.  Matt had his meeting with the lawyer for Brown County (his former employer) today.  Fr. Maximus went with him and was a huge help, and Matt said that the lawyer was pretty easygoing.  And it was just the lawyer, without the people responsible for him losing his job.  The lawyer seemed very receptive to what Matt had to say.  Matt's feeling good about it and we're praying for a good outcome.

I also learned something interesting today.  It is a very scary thing to pray, "Not my will, but Thy will be done."  As a commenter on a previous post said, "We only see God's providence in the rearview mirror."  So if things don't go the way we planned, it will be very easy to second-guess what is happening.  "Is this really what God had in mind?  What if we're doing something wrong?  How do we know we're on the right path???"  Ick.  I don't like being in that place.  I know it's good for me, so I can't really complain about it.  But I'm hoping that God thinks that people should realize how crappy Brown County was to Matt and decide to allow him to quit rather than be fired.  Some back pay would be nice too. :)

The Week From Hell

That pretty much sums it up lately. 

For those of you who haven't heard, it's been a pretty rough week.  Not only did we have to break the news to Nathaniel and Sophia about never seeing their mom again, but Matt lost his job.  In a really crappy way.  Allegations were made that were not true, and they did not follow proper protocol in handling them anyway (i.e. verbal warning, write-up, etc.), which basically amounts to a wrongful termination.  Monday morning Matt had gotten a call from work telling him that he was on suspension.  This was for a completely different incident, one that they were absolutely correct to investigate, and we were pretty confident that he would be cleared to return back to work.  But that was not to be.  He was indeed cleared on that incident, but other things came up during the investigation.  As I said, allegations were made, and he was let go.

Let me back up a little bit and digress for a moment.  I am a stay-at-home mom.  That is all I have ever wanted out of life.  To get married and have children and get to stay home and raise them.  I figured it would never happen, but then Matt got this job very soon after Peanut was born, and I was able to quit work when she was about 2 1/2 months old.  It might seem odd for someone who worked in a group child care center for 11 years, but I hated having her in daycare.  I think child care facilities can be wonderful places for children who need to be there because of family circumstances, but I believe that it is best for our family for me to stay home with Peanut and be available for Nathaniel and Sophia during these next few years (which will undoubtedly have rough patches for them).  Needless to say, I was psyched that we could do this, and I was so grateful to God, and to Matt who worked so hard to make this happen.  So when we got this phone call saying Matt was suspended, even though we weren't really too concerned at the time, it got me thinking.  What would happen if Matt ever did lose his job?  The thought TERRIFIED me.  And then I realized:

I love my life too much.  I was hanging on too tightly.  And that can be tricky business.

Didn't Christ Himself say, "whoever desires to save his life will lose it"?

So I prayed.  And I mean really, really, PRAYED.  For the first time in much too long.  (Hmm, about as much time as I've been really loving my life, the one I had always wanted, the "husband and kids" one.  Coincidence?  No such thing.)  It went something like, "God, I gotta let go of all this.  You gotta help me.  Please!"

And He helped.  He took the fear and replaced it with faith.  I thought (and still think) that I know what is best for my family, but I was reminded that He knows better than I do, and I hung onto that.  Ok, I'm feeling better now.  Still confident that Matt's job will be ok. 

But I still needed that reminder.  And it came just in time.

Matt got called in to go to work at his regular time Thursday.  But then he called about an hour after his shift was scheduled to start, saying he was coming home because he had lost his job.  Then my prayer was more like this:  "Help help help help help help help help what are we gonna do? help help help help help gotta be strong for Matt help help help help help help!"

And He is helping. 

First of all, let me tell you (who don't know him) how great our priest is.  He gives rock-solid spiritual advice, but he is also extremely practical.  Which is really helpful.  We should be able to trust God no matter what, but I have to say, in my case it's a lot easier to trust when I have a solid game plan.  Fr. Maximus helped Matt out a lot with an approach to appeal his employer's decision to terminate.  God has really blessed us by sending him to us. 

God has also blessed me with some opportunities, one of which is another child to care for during the day to help bring in extra income. That would still allow me to stay at home even if Matt's appeal didn't work out and he got a lower-paying job (which actually might be a possibility; he found out there's a position opening up at a previous employer).  I also have the option to go on my old employer's substitute system.  They're not technically hiring more subs right now, but my director said she'd be willing to put me on if I decided I need to do that.  That is definitely a personal favor she would not extend to most people.  It would allow me flexibility with hours and could be a temporary fix if needed.

Also, Nathaniel got stung by a bee today.  Which doesn't seem pertinent, but it is.  He got stung while playing outside in the yard, and our neighbor got him some ice.  Matt went over there to thank her and met a friend that they had over, who is a county board member and is on the Human Services Committee, which oversees the Brown County Community Treatment Center--Matt's employer.  Matt told him what happened and he thought it sounded a little fishy.  So he told Matt to call him tomorrow and he'll see what he can do.  I have never had any love for yellowjackets, but the one that stung Nathaniel has a special place in my heart.  Even if it turns out that this doesn't help, it's nice to know that God has sent people to look out for us. 

This really has been a week from hell.  But I'm determined to let it point me in the direction of heaven.  The second half of Christ's statement I quoted earlier is, "but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."  I may not find the life that I loved and might lose, but that's not the life He was talking about finding anyway.

Promised Pictures

I'm pretty sure that somewhere back in a previous post I promised that I'd have pictures on here.  Well, even if I didn't, here are some miscellaneous fun ones, going in reverse chronological order.

This one is of our haul from the farmer's market today.  It's the first time I've ever been to one, can you believe it?  It was SO FUN.  We bought gourmet cupcakes (Tay, this is for you): they were dark chocolate chipotle with avocado lime frosting. I figured they were too weird not to be good, and I was right.  They were delicious, though it was weird to have a spicy cupcake.  Anyway, I took this picture right after we got home.  The spinach and tomatoes were for the BST's we had tonight (spinach instead of lettuce).  The rest is just for fun.  The white package is goat cheese curds.  We got free samples, quite yummy!  Those are for Uncle Daniel.  And notice the missing raspberries?  Hmm...  Don't know what happened there...

Moving on! 

Peanut wore this dress last Sunday, and I meant (and forgot, of course) to tell people that I wore this dress on my very first 4th of July! 

This one is of Nathaniel reading Dr. Suess to Sophia.  These kids are seriously cool.  Don't mind Sophia's mismatched pajamas.  (Seriously, who wouldn't want these kids???  But I digress...)

Eating strawberries and Cool-Whip ("What's Cool-Whip?"  Really?  I have been neglecting their education big time.) at G&G Coats's.  Nathaniel's favorite thing to do at G&G's right now is practice throwing and batting with Grandpa Steve.  It's a good thing Grandpa is so patient.

These last ones are from our day at Bay Beach (the little city-run amusement park, for you out-of-towners). 

One of the kids riding the slide with me:

The three of us on the train.  Nathaniel does not know how to smile for pictures.

This is his second attempt at a picture smile:

Riding the big swings.  Ick.  I was more than happy to hold the baby and the camera.

Now I'm kinda wishing there was another baby-holder.  I like the ferris wheel.

But really, who would want to miss this cutie???  This is what Peanut does when it's ferris wheel time.  And yep, she always sits in her stroller like that.

I thought a bit lighter post would do us all some good!  Have a lovely day! :)

"All Things Work Together For Good." Right?

Any Harry Potter fans out there?  I could really use a Pensieve right about now.  I have too many thoughts in my head to make sense of them right now.  I'm hoping the writing will help, since I don't know where to find a Pensieve. 

We had some very, VERY shocking news in our family recently.  As most of you know, my husband has two children from a previous marriage.  Nathaniel is six, and Sophia is five.  Our arrangement has been that Matt and I have primary placement of Nathaniel (he lives with us most of the time, goes to school here, etc.), and their mom has primary placement of Sophia.  We switch off weekends so the kids get to see both parents and spend time with each other.  This summer, we agreed to split up the summer vacation, so Sophia has been with us for the last five weeks or so, and we were going to drop the kids off next week so they could spend the second half of the summer with their mom.

Well, things have changed.

Two Sundays ago, Matt got a phone call from Lorinda (the kids' mom).  She said that she thought the kids should be together all the time, especially since she's been having trouble with some of Sophia's behavior, and she's noticed that Sophia seems to do better when Nathaniel is with her.  So she wanted us to take primary placement of Sophia as well as Nathaniel, and she would keep visitation rights.  Cool!  We were so excited.  Matt and I decided that Lorinda should be the one to tell Sophia, so the plan was to work this out with Lorinda so she could do it on the 11th, which is the day we had set up to make the exchange.  We thought she'd take them the rest of the summer, and then when school started we'd just take both of them home with us.

And then things changed again.
. 
Last Sunday, before we set that up, Lorinda called again.  This time we got a bombshell dropped on us.  She decided that she doesn't want visitation rights.  In fact, she never wants to see either of the children EVER AGAIN.  That's right.  Never. Ever. Again.  Not now, not in a year, not in ten years, not ever.  She said it would be better if it was like she didn't exist.

And then it was our job to tell them.

What on earth do you say to children whose mother does not want them?  So often, when parents get divorced, they do their best to assure their children that it is not their fault, it's between mommy and daddy, mommy and daddy still love them very much.  And even after that, some kids still blame themselves.  Well, this time, mommy isn't here to say, "This isn't your fault."  All we can do is say that mommy wants what's best for you and she thinks this is best.  And then hope we're right.  And hope they buy it.  And of course we told them how excited we are that we will all be a family all the time.  The funny thing was, when we told them, Sophia was absolutely thrilled.  "You mean I get to stay here forever?  Yaaaayyyyyy!!!!"  We're not quite sure she gets it.  That she will never see her mommy any more, ever.  She will never see Josh (their stepdad) ever again.  She will never get to go "home" (or what she has called home for as long as she can remember). 

But Nathaniel gets it.  He asks the "Why?" questions.  "Why aren't we going to see our mom anymore?"  "Why does she want just us to be a family?"  "Why does she think this is the best thing?"  I don't know, sweetie.  I wish I did.  I don't understand this much better than you do.  Now that I'm a mom of my own child, I understand what people mean when they say that you fall in love with your child.  What the heck happened to her?!  I'm asking myself the same questions that the kids will eventually ask themselves.  What happened?  Why did she do this?  Why doesn't she want to see them?  Doesn't she love them?  And what about Josh?  Sophia calls him Daddy.  Doesn't he love her either?  And I just don't have the answers.  I probably never will.  The kids have given us small clues as to some of the stuff that goes on in their house, and it sounds like their marriage was a little rocky, but we never saw this coming.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who are the called according to his purpose."  I have to believe this.  I have to.  How else can this be explained?  I SO wish I could see the good right now.  And I guess I do; if things were going south at their mom's house, and if she doesn't want them, of course it's better that they be with us.  But man, what a price to pay for that "good".  And it's the innocent ones that are paying it.  I heard someone say once that everything that happens in our lives, everything, will either bring us closer to God or drive us farther away from him.  Everything can be used for our salvation.*  Maybe all this is happening now, when they're still pretty little, so that we have plenty of time to pray that they will use this for their salvation when it matters, when they are mature enough to wrestle with all these "why" questions. 

And there's another definite positive--Sophia will be received into the Orthodox Church, hopefully very soon.  May the Holy Spirit work in both her and Nathaniel, if nothing else to give them the wisdom to understand that it's not always our job to know the answers, but it is always our job to trust that God, Who knows all, has everything in His control.

So, in the meantime, please pray for them.  And pray for Matt and me, that God will give us the wisdom to know what to say when we don't have the answers, and that we can use this opportunity for our salvation as well.

Pensieve crisis averted.  Writing did help.

*For my non-Orthodox readers:  we believe that we have been saved, by grace, through faith, but we are also continually being saved.  St. Paul says, "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling."  (Philippians 2:12)  So, that's my goal.  To have faith, rely on God's grace, and continue to work out my salvation.  I suck at it, but I keep at it anyway.  I hear it's worth it.